The Perfect Partner: Exchanging Illusion for a Holy Relationship
Ever feel like your relationship is more about managing conflicts than actually enjoying each other’s company? Been there, right? A lot of people get stuck in this routine of just getting by, but what if I told you there’s a way to shift your relationship from attack-defend mode to something way deeper?
There’s a concept I love called the “holy relationship” from A Course in Miracles (stick with me, it’s not as intense as it sounds!). It has nothing to do with being religious or perfect. It’s when two people come together, not just to check off the usual relationship boxes (you know, love me, make me happy, meet my needs), but to grow and heal together. Instead of focusing on what's in it for you, it's about helping each other rise, letting go of old stories and wounds.
Love, forgiveness and growth become the foundation. You stop seeing your partner through the lens of fear or judgment, and start seeing them — and yourself — as the divine beings you are. It’s a relationship where one or both of you are all-in for something bigger than yourselves, using your connection as a way to step into your power. Win-win!
The old script: keeping score
Keeping score is great at a football game, not so great in a relationship. How many times have you thought, I’ve been the one holding it together while they don’t even notice? Or Why am I always the one who has to compromise? Sound familiar? By the way - no judgment, this is how I thought for years, so I get it.
This “tit-for-tat” mindset is the quickest way to frustration. You’re both waiting for the other person to change, to meet your needs, to finally understand what the other needs. But that’s just a recipe for more resentment. The truth is, the only way out of this cycle is to stop looking at your partner like someone from who you ‘get’ something and start seeing them as a teacher for your growth.
The new script: healing yourself leads to authentic connection
The holy relationship flips the old script on its head. Instead of focusing on what your partner isn’t doing, you start looking at what the relationship is teaching you about your own need for healing. (Roll up your sleeves, this might be messy!) This doesn’t mean you accept bad behavior or abuse, but you stop trying to fix or change the other person and instead ask Holy Spirit: Please show me what this is for.
When you stop trying to get your partner to fill your unconscious, unmet emotional needs, you open the door for a way more authentic connection. You shift from needing them to be a certain way so you can feel good about yourself to learning how to fill that need yourself. When you no longer need your partner to do this for you, you can truly be there for them, asking how you can be most helpful to them. Imagine what would happen you were giving to the relationship without holding back or keeping score. That’s where the magic happens.
The inconvenient truth (but also good news): it starts with you
If you’re waiting for your partner to fix things or change before you can feel happy, you’ll be waiting a long time. A holy relationship asks you to take radical responsibility for your own happiness first. What does that even mean? It means doing the inner healing work to find your true source of worth and happiness. It means recognizing that your partner isn’t responsible for your emotions (nor you for theirs) — you are there to support each and enjoy the journey through life together.
Here’s a question to ask yourself: Am I expecting my partner to do the emotional heavy lifting that I need to be doing?
The reward: a sacred connection
Now, I’m not saying this is easy. Having done the work myself, I know this first hand. Shifting the dynamic of a troubled relationship takes willingness. How would it feel to say: I’m all in! Something powerful happens: your connection transcends what it used to be. It stops being about who’s right or who’s wrong and becomes about compassionately walking each other home while understanding both of you are doing the best you can.
What if my partner isn’t interested in this?
No problem, this is actually usually the case. Start with yourself. When you stop needing your partner to be perfect, you just might discover that your partner changes without even realizing it and you get a fulfilling partnership. And even if nothing changes, you won’t buy in to the meaning you used to make of it anymore. Those old stories of your partner’s words or actions validating you in both good and bad ways will feel outdated. Because you’re sourcing your validation from an inner wellspring of infinite worthiness.